Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
