Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
