just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
