Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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