I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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