i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
