Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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