why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
