what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
