if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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