he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
