You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
