So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
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