i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
