Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
