Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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