She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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