If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize
