Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
