So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
