yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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