i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
