dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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