Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
