Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
