Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
