the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
