Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
