every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
