How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
