If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
My life is pants optional.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
