Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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