I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
