I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
