I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
