This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
