Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
