my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
