we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
