good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
