i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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