let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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