TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
