I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
