One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
