Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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