I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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