just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
