the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
