4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
